Grieving Something That Didn't Die

Some of you have heard me or seen me use the word grief or grieving over the last couple of weeks and wondered what that was all about. It was on my heart this morning to share a little bit more about the journey that I'm on right now and why grief is a part of that. 

Here's something that I read this morning that I want to use to help explain some things I've been experiencing.
     Grief is not always about death, but it is always about attachment and separation. Often, people endure pervasive and intense distress without having faced the death of a loved one at all. Further, in these cases of unrecognized losses, our grief is often not recognized by others, either. But you can grieve the loss of anything, anywhere or anyone to whom you had become attached—no list could name all the possibilities. To deal with the sorrow, you may need to find confidants, counselors and support groups that can assist you. Above all, you need to have your grief acknowledged. Allowing yourself to understand the validity of your emotions is the only way to begin feeling better. You are not the only one to have mourned in these situations—and you are not alone. *adapted excerpt was taken from Grief Is a Journey, byKenneth J. Doka, PhD. 

 This definitely resonated with me and put words to what I'm feeling. You see, when you get accepted to the World Race, you begin forming relationships with your squad immediately. They put you all in a Facebook group and encourage Skype dates and Google Hangouts. Then they send you to training camp for 10 days of intense team building where you get to know each other in the flesh instead of over social media. You begin to learn what it means to have each others' backs and pray for one another. Then you are put into smaller teams where you begin to get to know a few of your squad mates on a more intimate level. You go home with 30-some new friends and continue to build relationships while you get ready to launch. Then your launch date finally arrives, but before you leave they put you through one more training all together before you head out. You learn what community is supposed to look like and how to grow together in the Lord. You learn what traveling together and having a life shaken up will entail. Finally, you all get on a plane and head out for Month 1 of ministry. Hard as it is once you're there to learn everyone's quirks and ways of handling stress you still become family. You form bonds and embrace living this unbelievable opportunity of a lifetime. 

The thing is... it doesn't take long. It doesn't take long to build relationships and to walk in community. Sure it's hard and you want to curl up into a ball and just quit some days. You want to NOT share with your team how you're feeling or you'd rather call a friend from home. But these moments, these experiences, they all change you. They reform you. They start molding things in your heart and soul. 

Then, there's the people of each country. The whole purpose of your mission. They are so excited to have extra hands to help, and new American friends. They become your heartbeat. They become the strength to get up each day and do it again. The tears of goodbye at the end of each month become the motivation to reach more people in the next country. It all gets ingrained into the deepest parts of who you are. And it doesn't take long. 

You see, I was only able to be on the Race for 72 days. Approximately 11 weeks. Just shy of 3 months. But those 72 days were life changing. Those 11 weeks were hard and exhilarating. This made leaving that much harder. This was something I had worked for, for months. This was a dream come true. So, having to leave because no doctors could figure out why I was sick, was unbelievably gut wrenching. I can't explain the inner turmoil I felt when I was trying to decide how to proceed, and I can't explain the inner turmoil I still feel because I can't finish. This. This, is grieving. This is a loss, a hard one. What makes it harder? My squad continues on, and I have no direction for the future. I have no goal. I never had a plan B. 

So just like the loss of a loved one, there's emptiness. There's a piece of my heart missing, and it hurts! Sure I can keep in touch with my squad and I can follow all of their blogs and pray for them everyday like my life depends on it. But I'm not there. I'm not with them. I'm not fulfilling the dream. I'm not doing what I have always thought I was meant to be doing. THAT, is unbelievable grief. Does that mean I'm going to mope around be sad? No. Does it mean I'm mad at God? No. Does it mean I don't want to talk about it or share my experiences? Absolutely not. Quite the contrary. But it does mean I'm hurting. It does mean that there are days I'm sad, because I desperately want to be with my squad. It means I may still cry when you ask me how I am or how my trip was. It means I'm a human on a journey just like all of you.

Here's to new beginnings and more adventure. I know they are both just around the corner.

The Waiting Room

 Well... once again we find that my consistency is lacking! I apologize. As some of you may know I moved home to Iowa shortly after my last blog post to start fundraising efforts to participate in The World Race! Not to be confused with the Amazing Race! :) At any rate, I spent the fall and winter months fundraising and left in January. (You can read more about my adventures here: http://casstruthers.theworldrace.org/ )

As of March (mid month) I have been back home in Iowa seeking medical treatment. I had some issues on the field for several months and saw a plethora of doctors who could not figure out what was wrong with me. I made the decision to come back to the states for treatment and have been home since. (You can catch up here: https://www.youcaring.com/casandra-struthers-539316 .)

So, here I sit, in what I am calling the waiting room. The following is an excerpt from the above blog that I wrote regarding where I'm at spiritually right now:

I was thinking about it this morning. About waiting, about my future. About what it means to wait and how much of our lives is actually spent, waiting. I found this interesting: 

According to a Timex survey, Americans wait on average of 20 minutes a day for the bus or train, 32 minutes whenever they visit a doctor and 28 minutes waiting in security lines whenever they travel. 

That's only a fraction. That doesn't include, waiting in line at the store, waiting at stop lights every day, waiting for our food to cook or be brought to us, for someone to answer the door etc. We spend a lot more time waiting than we realize. In the waiting, we don't know what the outcome is going to be. So this shouldn't surprise me, right?! That I'm in a spiritual waiting room. That I'm at a place where I don't know when the light is going to turn green, or if the person ahead of me in line is going to need to ask a hundred questions before proceeding to check out, or if someone is ever going to answer the door.... metaphorically speaking of course. ;) 

This has been one of the hardest seasons in my life. Unable to understand why I would have that huge miracle only to have to turn around and come home; or why I would be "allowed" so to speak to push for a dream so much only to have it cut short. (Maybe this is where I stop and yell "PLOT TWIST"! haha) Seriously though, I don't pretend to understand. What I do know is this: He is still a good Father. He is still on the Throne. He still loves me. He still has a plan. This was not a surprise to Him. This is not a difficult thing for Him. This will all work together for good, somewhere, some way, some how. He is still God. He is still in control.

I share that to invite you into the next part of the journey. Where I go from here is in the Lord's hands, but I want to share it with all of you, here. I want to share it because so many of you have traveled with me thus far, through all the ups and downs; and I know that the Lord has used my story to speak to many of you. I pray that continues. I pray that in some small way, my challenges and my struggles will speak to even just one of you. So, here's to the waiting room and whatever lies ahead. 

The Pursuit of....Dignity

So recently I've been chatting with various people in my sphere of influence.....this morning as I was recalling a conversation I felt challenged in my spirit. I was thinking about my relationships with friends, thinking about social media, technology, and the like....I got to thinking about conduct, dignity, and integrity.  As I was pondering I felt challenged to evaluate my relationships, my social media posts.... not because I'm convicted about doing something wrong but more so that I continue to strive for doing what is right..... 

The Lord knows that one of my heart's  desires is to be a helpmate. To be united with my spouse and to work alongside him in ministry. As I was thinking about this I was thinking about my conduct. We've all heard the WWJD phrase but beyond that would he be pleased.... what would he think about who I'm spending time with, what I'm texting to people, What I'm posting online.....I want all of those things to be honoring to Christ, but I also want them to be honoring to my future spouse. I want to honor him in my conduct, with dignity and integrity....what does that mean exactly....? Basically I'm challenging myself because if the Lord should match me with my spouse tomorrow I'd want to be walking in such a level of integrity and honor/dignity to him that I wouldn't have to hide or explain anything away. That I'd  be able to be transparent. Again I'm not saying I currently have anything "to hide" but I want to keep it that way. I want to be diligent to always honor my relationship with the Father and my spouse.... even if I don't know who he is yet...

It's one thing to have to do business with God. To have to repent, and ask for forgiveness... we've all been there.  And I realize we'll be doing that for years to come if the Lord should tarry, but why would I set myself up to HAVE to repent, to HAVE to ask for forgiveness, to HAVE to explain to my future spouse about my choices... Obviously there are already things in our past, for each of us, that we bring to the table in any relationship, whether it's a friend or otherwise... we came to our relationship in Christ with "baggage" as well; but I encourage you, (and I'm speaking to myself) be diligent, have integrity. "Make good choices" as one might jokingly say. But in all seriousness... I believe there is reward and favor to walk in such a manner. I pray every day for the favor of Esther. I used to pray it over my job, but now I pray it over every area of my life. I pray that I would find favor with the Lord first and foremost, but I believe in my diligence and pursuit of dignity, I'll find favor in other areas of my life. 

(P.S. Dear Man of God that is to be my husband... I'm praying for you..... obviously you're going to need it... I'm already blogging about you! ;) )

Landing on Your Feet

Today I was in a leadership meeting when someone said, "Man I wish I could always land on my feet." Their comment was in reference to, yes, you guessed it... cats! Productive leadership meeting huh!? Well, how we got to that subject matter is not really as important as the thoughts it led to afterward. At least for me. Immediately I questioned the thought; Would I want to always land on my feet? What are the implications of landing on one's feet? What meaning or significance would it have? I suppose most assume if you land on your feet you've "conquered" something or that you've come out on top. In reference to the business world I imagine that would have some tie to a measure of success. In relating that to emotions I would guess it means there was no "breakdown". Spiritually perhaps would imply you overcame something. Physically.... the physical side of this is what ties it all together in my mind. If you physically LAND on your feet, it implies you fell, right? Or you jumped? It means at some point there was nothing stable under you. Your feet were not touching the ground.
  The next thing I started to think about was the circumstances. Is every fall or jump a bad thing? I don't think so... people choose to sky dive and bungee jump. People choose to take "leaps of faith". Are there situations where there is a fall or jump that's negative though, yes. We've all been there... Now... let's break it down even further. Are there times when the fall is "bad" but it would be equally bad to land on your feet? I think so.... When I think about this scenario, the first thing that comes to mind is jumping from a burning building. {Maybe I've seen to many movies} In my mind, if I'm trapped 6 stories high and the only way out is to jump... I definitely do NOT want to land .... on my feet! My hope is that there is something at the bottom to catch me and that I land on my hind end or my back. Does that fall then have a bad connotation for me because I didn't land on my feet? No. I got out safe. In one piece. Right?! How about sky diving, as I mentioned earlier? I just viewed some pictures today that a friend posted of his 13,000 foot jump! He jumped with someone in tow. A helper! A guide... Did he land on his feet? Yes, but I think as long as the chute opened and he landed at all he was probably happy!! :)
 Ok so where am I going with this...? Sometimes I think we erroneously tag ourselves as insufficient, or put expectations on ourselves that aren't realistic. Maybe not to an extreme but even just like this little phrase... "I wish I could always land on my feet." Makes it seem as though if we don't, we've some how fallen short... who's measuring stick are we using.. Do we need to fit a "status quo"...? I'm taking my point to a bit of an extreme as you can see, but do you understand? We are not under obligation to live according to any standard or precedent except that of our Designer. So reflect back a minute...on times you maybe didn't "land on your feet". Reflect back at a time you "fell" or took a jump. How did you land? What was the outcome? Was it "necessary" for you to land on your feet? Does anyone think any less of you because of how you landed? Maybe you don't even know the answers but just remember it for next time. Next time you have to take a jump, or get pushed over the edge... maybe you trip... no matter the landing you're still loved, and you still have purpose; and at the risk of sounding cliche, maybe it's time you let someone catch you.

Let Me Take a "Selfie"

Ok... so by the title you may or may not think I'm a little crazy! :) I'll let you wonder for awhile....
Alright, in all seriousness, this is something I've been considering blogging about for some time now, it's just been a matter of putting it into words... well words that will make sense.... sometimes it makes sense in my head, but not when I try to explain!
 So, let's review first of all... when you take a picture, what is the purpose? To capture a moment? To embrace a memory? To show others? There's a myriad of reasons to take a picture, right?! And they say, "a picture is worth a thousand words". But what happens when the picture doesn't turn out the way you want? It's blurry, you cut someone's head off....you know... it's disappointing right? Disheartening.

I remember, a few years ago, spending several months in England and getting to see the Queen with my brother... I was so mad because all of my pictures of her we a blurred mess of her horse drawn carriage... it was more like a smear! I was so upset... my brother said to me in that moment, "Sis, you're here. No one can take that away from you. It's your memory in your heart and mind. You don't have to prove to someone you were here with a picture." I'll never forget those words... he was so right... I had the honor and privilege of seeing the Queen of England, and I was mad about a picture....But I was there. I saw her with my own two eyes. No one could take that away from me. Conversely, neither could anyone join me or experience what I did, simply by looking at a picture. Even if it had been professional and crystal clear!
  Now, fast forward to present day... If any of you are friends with me on Facebook, you know I have an album called Miscellaneous Me... vain right?! No. The whole point of that album was to have a place to put pictures of myself for my biological family that I don't know well, that I never see, to be able to see me.. just me. Yes they can see my other pictures of me doing things with friends etc., but this is just me, my transformation....or aging! HAHA! As I've taken pictures to add to the album I've sometimes become frustrated... Sometimes, and I can't believe I'm admitting this, I'll take 8 or more pictures before I find one I like well enough to post. Now, some of you will say, she has a self esteem problem... actually, a lot of times when I take the pictures it's because I'm actually really liking what I see in the mirror. I'm saying "Thank you Lord, for who you made me". Not in a vain way at all, but being proud of who I am, being comfortable in my skin. So then, when I "take a selfie", as modern culture would say, I'm disappointed when I don't see in the picture, what I see in the mirror, or what I feel inside... My point in all of that, is to say this: Enjoy the life God gave you. Enjoy the body he put you in. Make memories WITH people. As nice as technology is to have and to be able to take a picture to post for my family to see, the fact is they aren't here to see me in person. To enjoy my company. To make memories. To smile WITH me. I'm not saying that in a condemning way either. It is what it is. But just remember next time you take a "selfie" ...alone or with your friends, savor the moment, the LIVE, in person moment. The picture might not turn out perfect, but no one can take away the moment or the memory!

Lessons in Letting Go... (I promise, no parody, no singing)

The last couple of weeks as I've continued to settle in back home with work, church, and people in general I have been learning valuable lessons. Lessons in stress free living... or less-stress living might be more accurate! Something I have noticed about myself when I travel is that I'm well... sounds crazy right?! Doesn't make sense? Here's the thing, when I'm in the states, working and striving and walking through life, I find I'm taking things on that aren't mine to own. I'm worried about things I have no control over... Moreover, I have weird health issues that rise up. When I'm out of the country... no matter where I travel, I'm doing so freely. No stress, no worry, NO health issues... I'm well. You'd think I would have noticed a long time ago.. I go on at least one trip a year so certainly I should have figured it out by now... RIGHT?! Um... yeah, not so much... In fact I'm realizing just how much my body is being affected, especially internally. I do believe that some of it is spiritual but some of it is within my capacity to change. 

As some of you may have read or heard, while I was in Nepal I spent the entire week with no luggage! Yep! My bag was the only one that didn't make it! It sat in LA for days before making it to Nepal and finally the day we headed back for the states I was allowed to pick it up from the airport. That week I was left to use the items I had packed in my carry on and then the items that the team so graciously gave or loaned to me. It was a week of borrowing socks, and washing clothes in the shower, allowing them to hang over a banister to dry. It was a week of Nepali soap and shampoo, no journal, no Bible.... And as you may have also heard me say already, it was the most life changing week I've ever experienced. I didn't need my shampoo to get through the week. I didn't even need my own Bible... I know... call me sacrilegious! Was I upset about not having the piece of luggage? Sure. Was I stressed about it... no! I quickly came to terms with the fact that I may or may not see my things..... EVER again... of course one of the amazing ladies there called several times for me to see where my bag could be but after the first day I reminded myself, I was there because there was a purpose, a mission, a people.... lives.... hanging in the balance. It wouldn't have mattered if I couldn't shower all week, or if I had to wear the same clothes. None of that matters when it comes to Eternity. None of it.
The thing is.. I'm learning the same is true here. It doesn't matter what I drive, it doesn't matter if I have cable, it doesn't matter if I carry a designer bag or wear make up. It doesn't matter what my title is or whether I'm involved in every activity possible. What matters is that I listen. That I watch. That I'm walking hand in hand with Jesus every day. That I'm loving people, hugging people, and giving the way Jesus would. Having said that, I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to say no, to delegate. I'm learning that I'm one person who can only do so much and that "so much" needs to start with what the Lord has for me that day. I can't worry about pleasing everyone. I can't make things perfect. What I can do is listen to the Lord. Be obedient. Do my best, and of course remember to take care of myself. Please understand I'm not suggesting it's ok to throw caution to the wind. Neither am I suggesting wandering around looking like a vagabond. There is balance. I have noticed upon returning and sometimes having to "force" myself to adhere to these things I have felt better. I have more peace. I feel more organized.

My challenge to all of you, as I often do: Evaluate where you're at. Evaluate your stress level. Are you trying hard to please people? Are you signing up as a volunteer for every activity popping up in church? (I'm not implying it's bad to volunteer) Are you spending time each morning asking your Maker what His plans are for the day? Try it! Try letting go of concern about what others think of you. Try saying no to something this week....I dare you!! Why? Because someone's life is hanging in the balance, even here. Someone is in need of a friend, a hug. If you're wrapped up in your things, your stress, your worry, even your activities, you could be taking away from what the Lord wants you to do!
Here's to obedience.... here's to letting go!!! (See told ya I wouldn't sing!)

Nepal

Well, it's been a good bit again since I've written...Life is busy yet again... or maybe still is more accurate!  That aside, I've been wanting to blog about my most recent mission trip. I've had it on paper for about a week or so now. Writing is often the only way I process and I find it therapeutic to actually put the pen to the paper. So, the following is my experience in Nepal. This has been, by far, most life changing trip I've been on thus far. I learned the most on the trip than any other, regarding myself, the Lord, and other people... Having said that, here it is, the raw, organic encounters of Kathmandu.

I've had a lot of people ask me this week: How was your trip? How was Nepal?
The thing is, I've been on a lot of trips-I've gotten to experience various ups and downs from stateside trips to trips around the Globe. I've had things to share and stories to tell. But this. This trip was different. This trip was...well-see there's the problem. This trip was a lot of things. This trip is not one summed up in a few short sentences. Sure I can use the ever popular, "Great trip! Life changing!" -line. And it was. I would not be lying or saying something exaggerated! But the thing is, it's So. Much. More. I have hard time with stopping at just the usual quip. It's almost like the "Hi-how are you?" line... that virtually means nothing anymore because people are less and less interested in how you really are; in building relationship, in investing in someone's life and doing life WITH them instead of among them. (And yes I'm well aware of the scripture to be in the world not of it... but that's different...)

Having said all that, I'm having a hard time gauging what I should or should not say. I'm struggling to be silent, to be brief. I'm struggling to keep my emotions in check and find myself with tears welling up - frequently. Some might say it's the "high" of being on a mission trip; that it's the "Church Camp Effect". If you've not heard the term, it's like when a young person goes away to church camp and comes back fired up for Jesus, only to have it "wear off" a short time later. I've asked myself and the Lord, "Am I being a cry baby for no reason?, Am I being over the top? Am I just too emotional?"
Even as I sit and write I hear the Holy Spirit whispering - "I am an emotional being as well. There is no shame in reflecting the Heart of the Father."

I want to tell everyone I see about Nepal. I want to show people the pictures. I want to express the full gamut of all that happened. Moreover, I want others to see, feel, hear, smell, and taste all that I did, all that our team did. I want others to experience, others to know.... do people REALLY understand what it's like to be among the living and the dead? We're in it every day, but do we realize it? In the states we're surrounded by people who for the most part know who Jesus is. They have probably seen a Bible. However, after seeing all that makes up Nepal. Some ins and outs of their religions it made me wonder what others around us are walking through spiritually. How are people around us really practicing religion? How are people seeking God? Are they seeking God? The fact is we're walking among people daily who we may not get to spend eternity with. This is what I mean by being among the living and the dead. In Nepal, we were among the living and the dead spiritually but also literally. Seeing people cremated alongside the river will cause some things in your spirit man to become a little rattled. It makes you question and think......long and hard...Many of us do not fully understand the lengths some people around us go to, to feel like they're earning the love of a god. An impersonal being, shape, animal or otherwise demonic symbol hanging from a door frame, posted on a wall or plastered to their forehead, all in hope that their diligence will bring reward, love, approval, acceptance.
It's made me truly re-evaluate. It's made me take a step back. Am I showing others the love of Christ or am I showing an equally unhealthy routine or ritual? No, I don't have a red dot on my forehead, I don't have a golden elephant above my door, and I don't spin a prayer wheel for any reason. However, what I am doing with my time, money, talents, etc says a lot about who I believe Christ to be in my life. Do people want to be part of that? Am I showing them a path to grace?

In Nepal I was completely overwhelmed with gratitude that Jesus freely loves us; that we don't have to earn anything but simply choose Him. We don't have to perform. We don't have to beg. But now that I'm home, I'm evaluating that freedom in my own walk. I'm asking the Lord to show me what areas of my life need adjusting. I want to say that my life reflects/reflected the Glory of the Lord. I want to lead others to the Throne. I want to see His Kingdom expanded! not because of me - but Christ IN me. The Lord knows my heart is not in this country, but I've vowed to do a better job while I'm here to love others the way Christ does. To allow the Lord to use me the way He does in other countries.

 I've come to a Holy disgust as I've so lovingly come to call it. Disgust with allowing the enemy to have  a foothold. Allowing him to taunt me with thoughts of doubt and disbelief that I can be used here in the U.S. Disgust with allowing him to TRY and steal my joy, my vision. Disgust with him trying to expand his territory. Disgust with just doing church. I'm not who I was when I left and I'm not going back to being her either. So here's the deal. Nepal - it was amazing, it was life changing. I saw, smelled, tasted, heard, and experienced things I never dreamed of. I was on sensory overload. I cried. I loved. I saw people cremated. I saw people give their lives to the Lord. I saw people healed....And I worked alongside an amazing team of brothers and sisters in Christ. We experienced things together that some people only dream of and others hope to never see or witness. I'm humbled and honored that Jesus chose me. Chose this team. For such a time as this. There's no time to waste people. Lives are hanging in the balance. Not just in third world countries. You don't have to have gone on a trip like I did to have your heart opened, your eyes opened.... The time is now. The word is Go... ask the Lord to show you what your part is.