Confession #8: I haven't been treating my "bruises" properly

Well.. with an odd enough title, I should have your attention.. let's see if I can explain my thoughts and new found revelations!!??

The last few weeks that I have been in England I have been reading scripture and praying about several different things in my life... Last week I came upon a scripture that really puzzled me. It has had me reading and researching like crazy. I'm still not sure I know the fullness of this verse so bare with me. Isaiah 30:26 (NASB) reads; "The light of the moon will be as the light of the sun and the light of the sun will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven days, on the day the Lord binds up the fracture of His people and heals the bruise He has inflicted." Now.. call me silly but the part that caught my eye was... let's see if you caught it................... read it again......................................

Ok... now did you catch it?? "... heals the bruise HE HAS INFLICTED."???????? God inflicts bruises on us???? Ok.. so I realize this is Old Testament.. but when I got to thinking about it.. it actually clicked for me... here's some of the things I found out along the way...

Looking up the words "bruise" and inflicted" in the Strong's Concordance they have the following definitions:

Bruise: severe wound or contusion

Inflicted: wound, stripe, defeat, plague

Looking up these words in the dictionary led me here:

Bruise: injure by striking, or pressing without breaking the skin

injure or hurt slightly

to injure the surface by collision

Inflicted: to impose something that must be suffered

to impose anything unwelcome

to deal or deliver as a blow

Now, all that having been said... it seemed to make more sense. Of course then when I actually prayed about it.. I could think of several things that I have been thru that I see now were bruises. (Things I needed to experience.) Bruises that I'm sure God inflicted to get my attention, after all, isn't that what happens when our skin bruises. We've all been bruised, I think we can all think of a time we've run in to something, dropped something, whatever the case may be. When it hits us or we run into it we think, man I'm not gonna do that again, or I think I'll remember that's there next time. And, as always we have a nice bump along with a splendid array of colors to display. Now, doing some further reading on bruising I was again intrigued.

Let me break this down as well.

~ When we get a bruise it is usually marked, as I said, by a bump or colored marking of some sort. The skin is NOT broken. (God doesn't actually HARM us)

~ When the "infliction" occurs it usually turns red right away which is caused by the hemoglobin rich red blood cells which carry oxygen that go straight to the point of impact. (God's there all along, just as our body provides oxygen and blood cells immediately, He's right there with the answers and supplies we need whether we're hurt or not.)

~ After awhile the hemoglobin levels lower and the point of impact changes color (God takes a step back)

~ Again after more time the levels even out and the point of impact changes a few more colors again till you can't see it anymore. (God makes sure we SEE what He's teaching, so there might be some "color" and He leaves us a little "tender" to the touch at times so we can remember but eventually He steps away.)

Now, if you ask someone who knows first aid about bruises, they will tell you the proper technique is called R.I.C.E. It stands for Rest Ice Compression, and Elevation. These are the areas that I have not done so well on when I consider areas of my life where God has probably "inflicted" some bruising.

Rest: Rest in Him, He "bruises" us, and teaches us lessons for a reason.

Ice: Physically speaking the ice is to take away the swelling if there is any, spiritually I would equate this to equipping ourselves with the Word of God regarding the situation. Seeing what God has to say about the matter.

Compression: Again physically this is another act to take down pain and swelling. Spiritually I would equate this to taking the situation to members of the Body, having several people lift you up in prayer if you are going thru something physically, spiritually, or otherwise. Where two or three are gathered right? That to me is COMPRESSION!!

Elevation: This is the part I think where physically its self explanatory. Spiritually I think this has to do with giving the situation, whatever it might be, to God. Handing it to Him and making the decision to learn from whatever you can, but not let it consume you.

I have found there is one situation in my life that as I prayed the other day, God said to me, "This is your bruise" but just as sure as I knew what He was talking about, I knew I had not "treated" it properly. I knew that all I had done was complain about it. "Ugh, look at this dumb bruise" (Funny enough my "bruise" is actually something physical and health related.) I knew that I had to give it to God, I had to start praying about it more, I had to quit complaining about it and pointing it out to everyone... so.. I'm trying to trust, I'm trying to learn. I'm not sure if this will make much sense to those of you reading, it's not one of my best analogies, but sometimes when you have a "light bulb" moment, you just have to share it!!!

Confession #7: I tend to judge that which is not mine to assess

Well, yesterday I toured areas of London with my brother. There were a TON of things going on all around us in all directions. People boarding boats, getting off trains, walking to work, jogging on their lunch break, begging in the streets, on and on... I was amazed at the plethora of people, colors, sounds, and smells. It took a few minutes to get a grasp on where I was... I kept saying out loud to my brother; I am SO far away from Iowa, I am SO far away from anything I "know" as normal. We both kind of laughed about it, but then we got to talking. We were discussing how amazed we were that there were so many people in the world. We passed thousands of people yesterday as we walked; all people we will probably NEVER encounter again in this life time.All people with a story to tell. Good or Bad. All people that have agendas, and plans, but more importantly, all people who have their very own creative inner self, their own ideas.

As you look around you can't help but notice the eclectic array of appearances. Men and women dressed to the nines, and others in rags. What I started to ask myself was this: What makes me the dictator of what's classy, what's trashy, and other choice phrases about how people appear? If I look at someone in a nice suit and think, "wow, they look nice", then look at someone out having lunch in jean shorts with black tights underneath and slipper type shoes with a bright top and think "what is that?", what am I using as a reference point? Where did I get the idea that one was a classy look and one was less desirable? We had a woman with us on our tour of the Tower of London and do you know what she had on? A black leather corset type jacket with bell sleeves. The sleeves had reddish roses on them. She had a blue silk skirt on with a gold scarf belt, and to top it off... pink Converse tennis shoes. I immediately thought, wow...that's interesting... but no one looked twice at her. No one nudged each other as she passed to whisper a comment under their breath. No one pointed at her, or gave her sideways glances. Why do we? And what about the man dressed in woman's clothes, but not as a cross dresser, just because he wanted to?

Where or when did we get the idea that when someone leaves their house in something that is comfortable and a complete representation of themselves we have the right to "comment" on it? Ok ok, I know I'm going to get the free speech remarks and all of that but.. ok so free speech. Why am I or any of us even concerned with what someone is wearing? Is it really that important? Is it going to change the end result of our day? Is it that important that we have to take time out of our day and effort out of ourselves to make sure we give our thoughts on the matter? Does what they are wearing affect us? NO... heck no... There was another girl on the train coming home. She had a cream dress on with brown boots that came almost to her knee. She had on several large pieces of jewelry and her hair done up. As we rode, she applied extra make up and perfume and made herself "at home". I thought to myself, "Some people would think she's shallow. Some people would think she's vain. But what if she had an important interview and was desperate to look nice so she touched up on the way? Who knows? Why should it matter to me?" Why are we obsessed with what others are doing, or what they have on? Why does it automatically give us an idea in our head of what the person is or is not like, just by looking at them? (And yes I know there's such thing as discernment but this is not discernment at all!!)

I realized that again, we have this one life. I'm living the way I think I should, or the way I feel led. Each person is doing their own thing in life...walking their own way, fulfilling their own destinies. I don't need to take time out of my day to judge others. What am I gaining? I'm certainly not doing anything to help them if I'm judging them. And as for me.. I decided to absorb both ends of the spectrum. As I work to not judge others, I will also not let those who judge, dictate my day. I know that people see me and judge me, that's fine. Waste your time. I will no longer live under the human gavel of judgment. I have but One Judge, a One Man Audience... if I decide tomorrow I want to wear leopard print shoes with a flower dress... I'm gonna do it!!

A Sign or an Attack?

Well.. I think this is another one of those topics that isn't really so much a "confession" as it is a topic of interest to me. Something I've experienced and wondered about. Its one of those things that I find no one seems to agree on.

Let me lay it all out for you. Over the last few months I have been preparing to go to England. I was invited by my brother to stay with him and his family for awhile. I really couldn't refuse such an offer... after all, I am going thru a divorce and I have nothing holding me back. When would I have another opportunity like this again?

So I prepared myself to leave...I started getting bills taken care of and applied for my passport. Then, I noticed that once the ball was rolling, bad things started happening. Things started going awry with my passport, random bills started showing up, I was having to scrounge up money for extra things and it was beginning to overwhelm me. I was having other weird things happen to me as well, like I was being asked out by men old enough to be dad. I would talk to my christian friends about it and ask for prayer about my situation and then I was even getting weird advice from them... things that didn't seem to line up at all and that seemed odd to me as well.

Then, what really got me was that I had people tell me that I SHOULDN'T GO TO THE UK! I had people telling me that this should all be a SIGN...I should take this as a message from God. They were telling me if bad things were happening it must be God and they wanted to know why I was so set on leaving. The other side of that spectrum was people telling me that all the bad things happening were definitely a sign that I SHOULD GO! That it was CLEAR God DID want me to go and SATAN was the one that was trying to prevent me from leaving...

I remained flustered for several weeks, but the end result is that I'm now IN ENGLAND! Did I have more problems even on the way here? YES...I but I pressed thru...I made it.. passport and all... but is there a right answer to all of this? I would think in my mind that if GOD really didn't want me here, He would have had the power to COMPLETELY STOP ME! But He didn't. AND, if it's about my free will and God letting me do what I WANT... will I continue to run in to more problems cause I shouldn't be here? OR will I continue to have problems because God DOES want me here and has huge plans for me that Satan wants to ruin???? Do we not have problems in life when we are complacent and right where satan wants us??? I guess I'll find out as time goes on...

Confession #6: I need to clean out my trunk

Well..again it's been far too long since I've written but once again God used something normally minute to teach me another lesson. I haven't quite figured out why it is that these random things happen to me...well...they seem random that is!!

Last week as I was driving to work I rounded a corner and noticed someone's trunk on their car was open..."huh, weird..no one in sight...suppose they could be transporting things back and forth". Then as I went around the next corner, another trunk wide open...and no one in sight..."that's funny"....but what was even more funny was that around the third corner there was yet ANOTHER TRUNK OPEN....."ok must be a lesson here". So I began to think....

What do people use their trunk for? Storing a spare tire, a first aid kit, taking home groceries, or transporting other random items. So...where's the lesson? What's the lesson? I asked God...ok I know I'm supposed to learn from this...it was far too obvious so ... what am I to learn from this?

I began to think about life in general, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally....when I compare a car with myself and consider where I store "extra things", or "transporting items" I would say that's my soul...in fact while reading an article on spirit, soul, and body it said "the body is the part of man which can be seen, and the soul is the part which is unseen." (Then it goes on about the spirit..) So..that makes sense...we don't see what's in a person's trunk unless it's parked and we open it and look in, right?! Ok...so...let's compare.

If my soul is equal to the trunk of a person's car, what have I been storing and where have I been parking with my trunk open so that people can see in, put something in it I might not want or perhaps take something out....

Maybe you don't need to clean out your trunk but after I got to thinking about this...I know I need to start working on mine!! I need to watch where I'm "parking my car", and I need to make sure I'm not leaving the trunk open, but first and foremost I need to take everything out, reorganize it, put back the things I need, and throw away the things I don't!

Here's to some late spring cleaning!!!

Confession #5: I have allowed my light bulb to burn out

So... never in a million years did I imagine I would be writing this as I go through major life changes, ones I told myself I would never be part of.... I am only grateful that in the midst of it all God graciously continues to teach my ever fragile heart...

Over the last few weeks my husband has been approaching me about divorcing. It's been a long battle. Lots of tears, anger, and more... I have spent days crying, praying, and trying to fight.
As I close a chapter in my life and begin a new one, I have been enlightened to many things. Tonight one of those things that I realized was that, I have let my light bulb burn out. I have been walking around with it dimming and dimming. All the while not realizing it and simply "adjusting". You know how it is, when you go in somewhere and the light is different. You take a minute to adjust...only for me...this has been happening slowly so it was easy to adjust... and now, as I sit here tonight, reflecting I am realizing I've been wandering around with the light burned out! I have had God in my life for a long time, which I will consider my "natural light", being able to "see" by day and by night what was happening in my life, logically, practically, and physically. However, by letting myself get away from church, daily prayer/devotional time, and reading the Word, I slowly let what I will consider my light bulb, to dim to the point of now needing to be "replaced"!

Who have I been kidding trying to do this on my own for so long? As I said, I never walked away from God so I have not been in TOTAL DARKNESS, but by neglecting the "upkeep of my house", I have now had to face this difficult situation and suddenly wondering why, when in reality, if I would have been "cleaning with the light on", if you will, I might have noticed the "dust bunnies" in the corners. This is not to say that I might not still be in a difficult situation right now....However, it might not have hit me as hard.

So...now as time of course moves on... I am learning that there is a lot I need to do for myself. My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health have all been on the back burner for a very long time. Now that I have realized the need to "change the light bulb", I see my part in my crumbling marriage. Do I want it to end, of course not? But I am learning to let go. It's in God's hands now.

Here's to learning, loving, and new light bulbs!

Mistakes

Ok so today, I'm not really addressing a "confession" but more of a discussion topic....a question!

Now please bear with me. Maybe what I am about to lay out is only a question in my mind, maybe I am over thinking this whole thing.... Don't get me wrong as I thought about it this, it did cross my mind that people would think I'm trying to come up with some new "doctrine" or systematic way to make people feel better, but it my mind it's a very REAL, Legit question.

Do we really make mistakes?

Ok, now like I said...it sounds silly at first. But here are the things I was thinking about today. First of all we tell my clients at work all the time that there are "natural consequences" for their choices: Don't take a shower for a week and smell, your peers don't want to be around you. Natural consequence. Elope from the building and don't get to eat supper, you end up hungry later. Natural consequence. So there are several things we don't "punish" them for because their own natural consequence is enough.

Now lets take for example the young girl who is unmarried, choses to be intimate with her boyfriend, and gets pregnant. Of course natural consequence. BUT...why then do people say things such as, "It's ok, we all make mistakes, yours comes with a blessing." She made a choice, was it a mistake? Or simply a choice? The result therein you will never convince me is a mistake because NO CHILD is a mistake...but why do "we" (generally speaking) view the choice to engage as a mistake. Was it right before God? No, but was it a mistake? He knows the choices we make before we make them right? Again maybe I'm over analyzing... maybe my job has tainted how I view things?

Even when I view things I have done in my past and I tell myself that I don't have regrets because every CHOICE I made, made me who I am, I have to ask, did I make mistakes tho? Or were they just choices? Can it be both?

Here is the definition (dictionary.com) of each:
CHOICE:

1.	an act or instance of choosing; selection: Her choice of a computer was made after months of research. His parents were not happy with his choice of friends.

2.	the right, power, or opportunity to choose; option: The child had no choice about going to school.

3.	the person or thing chosen or eligible to be chosen: This book is my choice. He is one of many choices for the award.

4.	an alternative: There is another choice.

MISTAKE:

1.	an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc.

2.	a misunderstanding or misconception.

–verb (used with object)

3.	to regard or identify wrongly as something or someone else: I mistook him for the mayor.

4.	to understand, interpret, or evaluate wrongly; misunderstand; misinterpret.

–verb (used without object)

5.	to be in error.

And so I sit today, thinking, pondering, and searching within........

Confession #4: I am not near as grateful as I ought to be

So, again today I prepare in my mind as to what I will write, and again, I am led in a different direction. I left this afternoon to run errands. I got a few miles from home and came upon an accident. A smushed (yes I said smushed) pick up truck in between two other pick up trucks. I have no idea how they got positioned the way they did but at any rate I was thinking to myself, "Thank God it wasn't me". Another mile or so down the road another accident. "Odd" I thought, and again said to myself "thank the Lord it wasn't me then either". When I finished running errands and headed back the police were just getting to each accident and working on directing traffic around the two scenes... I proceeded on around and when I got close to home again...low and behold ANOTHER accident..."what in the world is goin' on today?", I said to myself out loud. Then I said, again out loud, "Lord thank you for protecting me".

At that moment another realization, so simple and obvious, yet why do I not practice it??

I felt at that moment the need to then begin to thank God for everything. Yes, I know...a little overboard, what can I say. Conviction hits me and I want to go back and change it all.... fortunately it's not completely necessary. As I was rattling things off in my head, thanking God, for this and that and the other, it was like a nudge, "just chill you spaz" (again talking to myself, as I'm pretty sure God wouldn't call me a spaz!) I began remembering one of my college professors telling us "your convictions are not my convictions, God will deal with you in areas when you are ready and me the same, but it doesn't mean there is a cookie cutter for everyone". And so it dawned on me... I don't need to go back and thank God for everything in my life one by one, I need to go forward from here, thanking God each day for the things I have, things He protects me from, things He guides me thru...I need to thank Him for revealing all of the things He has done, be grateful and continue to press on!!

And so a simple lesson learned today...how to be grateful. Thank you Lord for all you do, even when I don't think I see it, don't want to see it, or see and just forget to say thank you!!! :)

Confession #3: I often talk to my life mate as tho he's my cell mate

I'm pretty sure that anyone who has heard my husband and I talk to each other knows, we're pretty lighthearted. We joke around a lot...(sometimes probably too much), we poke fun at each other and we just like to play around. Now, on the flip side of the coin, if someone heard my husband and I when we're not "playin' around", I'm sure they would say, "um...those two are married?".

Now let me clarify, that's not to say that EVERY time we're not playing around that we're miserable....but let me put it into perspective for you....

Jason and I DON'T live the "American Dream", we don't obsess over climbing the corporate ladder, and we don't argue over things like who's gonna paint the white picket fence out front... and I'm not being mean or sarcastic....I'm being REAL...that's just not where we are in life. We DO however, live on a budget, strive to save money, and argue over things like who's gonna do the dishes. That's my life. Plain and simple.

In the most recent days of "my life", I have found that I don't always communicate the way I probably should to my husband, and thus, people probably would wonder about us.

I guess as I reflect and ponder conversations I've had I really can't wonder why I got the responses I got...on some maybe, but not on others. When I think about how biting I can be I want to kick myself. Just the other day Jason asked me, "Do you think you could make me something to eat?" and my immediate response was, "And you can't do it yourself because.....?"
It was out right rude and unnecessary to say the least. He asked nicely. What was my problem?

The more I think about it the more I realize I do it too often. I come at him with sarcasm and flippant answers. Then it dawned on me, I don't even talk to him like I love him. I don't talk to him like he's my husband...has he called me on it? He sure has, but I think sometimes we need those "A-HA!" Moments you know. Sure enough, I made a comment to my husband the other day in response to him asking me to take care a few errands and it sparked an immediate argument. I left for work angry and the whole way there I kept thinking, "What is his deal? Why is it always me that has to take care of everything? Can't he do ONE THING?" And then it hit me... Would you want to do it if he talked to you the way you just talked to him? Um....NO!

And please don't get me wrong this IS a two sided coin, but these are things that are being revealed to ME for ME to work on.... we're all at different places in our lives and we all need to learn lessons, but they are revealed to us when the time is right.

Will I still make comments that aren't very nice, yeah probably. Will I still get angry at my husband....that's a given!! (LOL) But will I try to THINK before I speak next time.....YES! And will I express what I am thinking or needing from him instead of just expecting him to know...YES.... I am working on all of it.. I am trying my best to be polite and not demeaning, I am trying my best not to talk to Jason like he's my cell mate but my life mate!!!

Confession #2: I don't know how to lean NOT on my own understanding

Well... here I sit...befuddled and confused...I had intended to go down the list of these "confessions" and begin blogging them... today as I was getting ready to type up the next one from my notes, I felt God was saying I needed to write about what's been going on in my life right now, and confess my lack of TRUST in the Lord....

For days now I have been reciting in my mind; Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding........ but I realized today I don't know how.... I don't know how to trust with all my heart and I don't like not understanding.... which I also came to realize today means, I don't like not being in control. Guess it just proves I'm human right!!??

I've tried for a long time in a lot of areas to "figure things out", "make sense of it all", or "rationalize" in my mind WHAT is going on in my life..... but...surprise surprise, to no avail...God will not humor me, He will not give me a hint, He will not give me "a sign".... But... today, after a long cry and talk with some family... I realized.... He has protected me, He has guided me in the right direction, He has given me comfort and peace.... and so I ask myself.... "What more do I really need?" The right answer is nothing..... my human and fleshly answer is...EVERYTHING. I constantly ask God "Why?", "When?", "What?"....
but His answer has remained the same, "Be faithful".

In all honesty, I don't know if I know how... but I will continue to pray, and I will continue to give it all to God... over and over again until I learn the beauty and comfort of trusting Him with ALL my heart... **(below is a version of Proverbs I found tonight that breaks it down well)

**The Message version of this scripture which I found much comfort and understanding in:
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.

Confession #1: I struggle with the ability to find rest

Driving home from work one day several months ago, I noticed something a little strange. Something I had never seen before. I resolved that there had to be a lesson to be learned.

As I traveled I passed the first of two farms. Off to the left, I saw the little white puff balls (who were actually more gray than anything) and their cute little black heads.... further down the road, the farm on the right. This farm had a flock of their own with a few llamas in the mix. As I drove on by I thought to myself, "What is it, nap time for everyone on Hwy 86?" Of course about the time that thought finished crossing my mind, I had one of those "light bulb" moments...you know where you can almost feel someone flip the switch up there! I knew it was a message. As I reflected over the past few weeks, even months it occurred to me, I couldn't really think of the last time I rested. Really rested. When was the last time I had taken even ten minutes to myself, let alone.... a NAP....? I had bogged myself down with working 3 jobs, overtime at one, and still not feeling like I was doing ENOUGH!

What the heck is wrong with me?

Since my husband worked a lot as well, I basically was in "keep myself busy" mode. Friends were always wanting to do lunch, my grandma was buggin' on me to come visit more often....yet still I felt like I was not "being productive". I felt like I should be running errands (even if I didn't have any), or offering to put more hours in at work...or DOING SOMETHING..... why that didn't include spending time with friends or family I have not quite figured out, except I think I felt it was doing something that was just for me...and in some weird way that was selfish.....

Again I ask: What the heck is wrong with me....? Who knows, but what I do know, is on that day, as I drove by those two farms, the sight of those sheep all sleeping at one time, in the middle of the day, I knew it could not just be happenstance. I knew there was something to be learned.

Have I mastered the art of not being a "busy body"? No!! I still struggle with the need to feel productive. I still get into ruts every once in awhile. But I am learning the value of observing the sabbath in my life; finding time for me, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm learning that it's ok to take care of myself, and that alone will make me more productive and able to give more to others and work in the end.

And so I pray, Lord help me find balance in all that I do and all that I desire to do.

Baby Steps

Well, after several months of pondering, what started as an idea on Facebook has now moved to it's next step; this blog. I have been pursuing writing for sometime now and for whatever reason(s), nothing has come to fruition thus far. So, today as I sit here, I hesitate. I feel the desire to share, but I'm scared. So, as I stand at the beginning of this process, I take the first steps, Baby Steps, as I refer to them. Baby Steps towards the next stage. And so it is, without further adieu, the initial ideas that came forth in May: (As taken straight from Facebook, originally directed towards my female friends but anyone is welcome to read)

I have had it in my heart to write...at first I wasn't really sure about what...I have a few things I could think of on my own but the following is something that just kind of spewed out one day...I just wondered if by reading it, it seems that it would be something you would be interested in, one Christian sister to another, or if you think it's just a good idea for my own personal reflections and journals...I don't know where I would head with this is, obviously it would have to continue to be God inspired but here's what I have thus far!

Some days I think to myself: "If anyone else knew the things that went thru my mind, they would never in a million years believe that I am a Christian girl." The reality, however, is that I'm not the only person on earth with carnal thoughts, behaviors and idiosyncracies. The fact of the matter is that we all need to know "we're in this together", the Good, the Bad and the ugliest of us all. Of our hearts that is. Longing to be set apart and actively pursuing the state of living set apart are, as I've discovered, 2 TOTALLY different things. The latter often seems unachievable. But by the Grace of God, I hope that one day I wil be able to walk in it, to bask in it; but until then, these are my confessions. Confessions of a girl set apart.