Confession #4: I am not near as grateful as I ought to be

So, again today I prepare in my mind as to what I will write, and again, I am led in a different direction. I left this afternoon to run errands. I got a few miles from home and came upon an accident. A smushed (yes I said smushed) pick up truck in between two other pick up trucks. I have no idea how they got positioned the way they did but at any rate I was thinking to myself, "Thank God it wasn't me". Another mile or so down the road another accident. "Odd" I thought, and again said to myself "thank the Lord it wasn't me then either". When I finished running errands and headed back the police were just getting to each accident and working on directing traffic around the two scenes... I proceeded on around and when I got close to home again...low and behold ANOTHER accident..."what in the world is goin' on today?", I said to myself out loud. Then I said, again out loud, "Lord thank you for protecting me".

At that moment another realization, so simple and obvious, yet why do I not practice it??

I felt at that moment the need to then begin to thank God for everything. Yes, I know...a little overboard, what can I say. Conviction hits me and I want to go back and change it all.... fortunately it's not completely necessary. As I was rattling things off in my head, thanking God, for this and that and the other, it was like a nudge, "just chill you spaz" (again talking to myself, as I'm pretty sure God wouldn't call me a spaz!) I began remembering one of my college professors telling us "your convictions are not my convictions, God will deal with you in areas when you are ready and me the same, but it doesn't mean there is a cookie cutter for everyone". And so it dawned on me... I don't need to go back and thank God for everything in my life one by one, I need to go forward from here, thanking God each day for the things I have, things He protects me from, things He guides me thru...I need to thank Him for revealing all of the things He has done, be grateful and continue to press on!!

And so a simple lesson learned today...how to be grateful. Thank you Lord for all you do, even when I don't think I see it, don't want to see it, or see and just forget to say thank you!!! :)

Confession #3: I often talk to my life mate as tho he's my cell mate

I'm pretty sure that anyone who has heard my husband and I talk to each other knows, we're pretty lighthearted. We joke around a lot...(sometimes probably too much), we poke fun at each other and we just like to play around. Now, on the flip side of the coin, if someone heard my husband and I when we're not "playin' around", I'm sure they would say, "um...those two are married?".

Now let me clarify, that's not to say that EVERY time we're not playing around that we're miserable....but let me put it into perspective for you....

Jason and I DON'T live the "American Dream", we don't obsess over climbing the corporate ladder, and we don't argue over things like who's gonna paint the white picket fence out front... and I'm not being mean or sarcastic....I'm being REAL...that's just not where we are in life. We DO however, live on a budget, strive to save money, and argue over things like who's gonna do the dishes. That's my life. Plain and simple.

In the most recent days of "my life", I have found that I don't always communicate the way I probably should to my husband, and thus, people probably would wonder about us.

I guess as I reflect and ponder conversations I've had I really can't wonder why I got the responses I got...on some maybe, but not on others. When I think about how biting I can be I want to kick myself. Just the other day Jason asked me, "Do you think you could make me something to eat?" and my immediate response was, "And you can't do it yourself because.....?"
It was out right rude and unnecessary to say the least. He asked nicely. What was my problem?

The more I think about it the more I realize I do it too often. I come at him with sarcasm and flippant answers. Then it dawned on me, I don't even talk to him like I love him. I don't talk to him like he's my husband...has he called me on it? He sure has, but I think sometimes we need those "A-HA!" Moments you know. Sure enough, I made a comment to my husband the other day in response to him asking me to take care a few errands and it sparked an immediate argument. I left for work angry and the whole way there I kept thinking, "What is his deal? Why is it always me that has to take care of everything? Can't he do ONE THING?" And then it hit me... Would you want to do it if he talked to you the way you just talked to him? Um....NO!

And please don't get me wrong this IS a two sided coin, but these are things that are being revealed to ME for ME to work on.... we're all at different places in our lives and we all need to learn lessons, but they are revealed to us when the time is right.

Will I still make comments that aren't very nice, yeah probably. Will I still get angry at my husband....that's a given!! (LOL) But will I try to THINK before I speak next time.....YES! And will I express what I am thinking or needing from him instead of just expecting him to know...YES.... I am working on all of it.. I am trying my best to be polite and not demeaning, I am trying my best not to talk to Jason like he's my cell mate but my life mate!!!

Confession #2: I don't know how to lean NOT on my own understanding

Well... here I sit...befuddled and confused...I had intended to go down the list of these "confessions" and begin blogging them... today as I was getting ready to type up the next one from my notes, I felt God was saying I needed to write about what's been going on in my life right now, and confess my lack of TRUST in the Lord....

For days now I have been reciting in my mind; Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding........ but I realized today I don't know how.... I don't know how to trust with all my heart and I don't like not understanding.... which I also came to realize today means, I don't like not being in control. Guess it just proves I'm human right!!??

I've tried for a long time in a lot of areas to "figure things out", "make sense of it all", or "rationalize" in my mind WHAT is going on in my life..... but...surprise surprise, to no avail...God will not humor me, He will not give me a hint, He will not give me "a sign".... But... today, after a long cry and talk with some family... I realized.... He has protected me, He has guided me in the right direction, He has given me comfort and peace.... and so I ask myself.... "What more do I really need?" The right answer is nothing..... my human and fleshly answer is...EVERYTHING. I constantly ask God "Why?", "When?", "What?"....
but His answer has remained the same, "Be faithful".

In all honesty, I don't know if I know how... but I will continue to pray, and I will continue to give it all to God... over and over again until I learn the beauty and comfort of trusting Him with ALL my heart... **(below is a version of Proverbs I found tonight that breaks it down well)

**The Message version of this scripture which I found much comfort and understanding in:
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.

Confession #1: I struggle with the ability to find rest

Driving home from work one day several months ago, I noticed something a little strange. Something I had never seen before. I resolved that there had to be a lesson to be learned.

As I traveled I passed the first of two farms. Off to the left, I saw the little white puff balls (who were actually more gray than anything) and their cute little black heads.... further down the road, the farm on the right. This farm had a flock of their own with a few llamas in the mix. As I drove on by I thought to myself, "What is it, nap time for everyone on Hwy 86?" Of course about the time that thought finished crossing my mind, I had one of those "light bulb" moments...you know where you can almost feel someone flip the switch up there! I knew it was a message. As I reflected over the past few weeks, even months it occurred to me, I couldn't really think of the last time I rested. Really rested. When was the last time I had taken even ten minutes to myself, let alone.... a NAP....? I had bogged myself down with working 3 jobs, overtime at one, and still not feeling like I was doing ENOUGH!

What the heck is wrong with me?

Since my husband worked a lot as well, I basically was in "keep myself busy" mode. Friends were always wanting to do lunch, my grandma was buggin' on me to come visit more often....yet still I felt like I was not "being productive". I felt like I should be running errands (even if I didn't have any), or offering to put more hours in at work...or DOING SOMETHING..... why that didn't include spending time with friends or family I have not quite figured out, except I think I felt it was doing something that was just for me...and in some weird way that was selfish.....

Again I ask: What the heck is wrong with me....? Who knows, but what I do know, is on that day, as I drove by those two farms, the sight of those sheep all sleeping at one time, in the middle of the day, I knew it could not just be happenstance. I knew there was something to be learned.

Have I mastered the art of not being a "busy body"? No!! I still struggle with the need to feel productive. I still get into ruts every once in awhile. But I am learning the value of observing the sabbath in my life; finding time for me, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm learning that it's ok to take care of myself, and that alone will make me more productive and able to give more to others and work in the end.

And so I pray, Lord help me find balance in all that I do and all that I desire to do.

Baby Steps

Well, after several months of pondering, what started as an idea on Facebook has now moved to it's next step; this blog. I have been pursuing writing for sometime now and for whatever reason(s), nothing has come to fruition thus far. So, today as I sit here, I hesitate. I feel the desire to share, but I'm scared. So, as I stand at the beginning of this process, I take the first steps, Baby Steps, as I refer to them. Baby Steps towards the next stage. And so it is, without further adieu, the initial ideas that came forth in May: (As taken straight from Facebook, originally directed towards my female friends but anyone is welcome to read)

I have had it in my heart to write...at first I wasn't really sure about what...I have a few things I could think of on my own but the following is something that just kind of spewed out one day...I just wondered if by reading it, it seems that it would be something you would be interested in, one Christian sister to another, or if you think it's just a good idea for my own personal reflections and journals...I don't know where I would head with this is, obviously it would have to continue to be God inspired but here's what I have thus far!

Some days I think to myself: "If anyone else knew the things that went thru my mind, they would never in a million years believe that I am a Christian girl." The reality, however, is that I'm not the only person on earth with carnal thoughts, behaviors and idiosyncracies. The fact of the matter is that we all need to know "we're in this together", the Good, the Bad and the ugliest of us all. Of our hearts that is. Longing to be set apart and actively pursuing the state of living set apart are, as I've discovered, 2 TOTALLY different things. The latter often seems unachievable. But by the Grace of God, I hope that one day I wil be able to walk in it, to bask in it; but until then, these are my confessions. Confessions of a girl set apart.