I want to preface this entry with a "disclaimer"! So as to not get you all reading and thinking half way through, "this girl needs a therapist", you should know that this will be one of my longer blog entries, and it will be quite candid, but it has an ending only God could have scripted!!
So... remembering that the subtitle of my blog is
Sharing thoughts and ideas, confessions and true stories
Let me share this story with you. I believe that sharing it is part of my healing process.
Yesterday as I was reading the word and trying to have my quiet time. I was struggling. I was struggling to stay focused, my mind I was wandering and I was getting upset with myself. I would try to read. I would try to pray. Nothing was "clicking". Finally I said to God, "Just take it all away, please. I'm distracted. I can't focus." I felt like there were some things in my life that every time I tried to have quiet time, or pray or do anything along the lines of spiritual growth, I would end up thinking about these other things. I tried to go back to reading but finally I said to God, "Ok, let's deal with this box." Now, if you remember, I wrote in a previous blog...When I was in Mexico God had showed me a large metal looking box, almost like a safe deposit box, in my chest, and He told me it needed to be removed. I told God I wasn't ready and I felt Him say He wouldn't force me, that I had free will to choose...So... yesterday I decided it was time.
As soon as I said the word, He began to show me situations from my past. I immediately began to cry thinking about each one. My first thought was that I didn't deal with each thing as well as I thought I had. I kept thinking, I thought I forgave that person, or I thought I moved past this... but God quickly spoke to my heart and said what we needed to deal with the unforgiveness in my heart.... toward myself. I could immediately feel God start to show me each situation one by one. The first was my dad's girlfriend. A flood of emotion hit me. In 2005 my dad (my dad that adopted me when I was 4) passed away from brain cancer. It was very hard on my brother and I, but his death was just the beginning of pain. A few months after he had passed away we had discussed as a family that we would have a picnic when the Lakes (up in Okoboji/Spirit Lake) opened up, we would spread some of his ashes in his favorite place and celebrate his life. When we contacted my dad's girlfriend (who had the ashes) to set up a time to get together, she informed us she had already spread his ashes on her own, with our dad's best friend. We were all devastated, as she could also not recall where it was she spread the ashes.... originally this issue took me years to forgive. I felt I had no closure, I felt like she stripped us of something important. I knew that my dad would have had the mentality, "it's just my crumbs... who cares" that was his attitude, but it was hard to move on. God showed me however that this was not about not having forgiven her, but myself. I had put the blame on myself for not handling his death better, for not being more organized, and thinking that if I had just stepped up and been more responsible, none of this would have happened.... God walked me through it and showed me it was not my fault, it was not something I needed to continue to hold on to.
The next situation was my grandparents. I began to sob. I kept saying to God, "What was I thinking? How could I have let this happen?" I knew immediately my hurt surrounding this situation. This was extremely hard. My grandparents who had helped raise my brother and I and who I was very close to.... I had allowed them (or so I thought) to be taken advantage of by my ex-husband. He was a smooth con artist who got them to believe we needed money. We didn't, not for any true necessity that is. I was devastated thinking about the stories he had told them, thinking about the ways I had been blackmailed by him. I had been equally conned but felt that it was somehow my fault. I had not "protected" them, in my mind, as I thought I should have. I didn't know the entire extent of the damage he had truly done until they passed away and that had added to my pain, hurt, and guilt. I had carried it and taken it on. God again walked me through letting it go. Letting go of my shame that went all the way back to me saying "Why did I even marry him?" which is where the thoughts of "What was I thinking?" came into play.
**Are you in complete disbelief yet at my dysfunction?? HAHA!!! Let me just pause here to say, I am SO SO SO thankful that God has set me free, that He has mended me, that He has put me in a new place. When I think about these things that I went through, I often times think, how do I even have friends? How am I even functional? That, my friends is the Grace of God... nothing else could have gotten me through these things.**
The next thing God walked me through was my time in Bible College. At the time, my brother was in middle school. Our mom had gotten remarried in the summer while my brother came with me back to college to start my second semester and get me settled. After spending a few days with me, I put him on a plane back to Iowa and within 4 months, our mom had taken my brother to his friend's house and told him he couldn't live with her any more. She abandoned him. He did not get along with her new husband so she dumped him. By this time I was crying even harder as God kept telling me to let it go. I felt such guilt over not coming home. I have carried it for over ten years, feeling that I should have done more to care for him, that I should have left school and come home. God kept saying to me, look at how great he has turned out to be, look at his walk, look at what he's doing with his life. I couldn't deny it, (of course how could I) my brother is a born again believer, he loves the Lord, he has a beautiful wife and kids, he serves our country as an Airman... I couldn't be more proud!! I could see how this affected other interactions I have had with my brother, my constant need for his approval, always afraid if I make a certain decision he's going to be upset with me. Let me clarify and say, he has never put these things on me, he has never expressed disappointment in me or anger with me.... it was all self-induced!! Imagine that!!
I thought I was coming to the conclusion of my time with the Lord, I was feeling free, feeling healed, feeling comforted!! God said there was one more thing.... I couldn't even begin to guess... wow... what else have I been holding on to?? Well... God sure did show me.. it went all the way back to when I was 4. Yes 4... crazy right... When I was 4, my mom had married my brother's dad. Thomas was not born yet, but I remember being at the park across from my grandma's house and my mom telling me I was going to be adopted. I remember being told I was going to have a new last name and a new dad. I remember being told I needed to start calling this new person dad. As God was walking me through the situation and I was recalling the years that followed, I could see that I felt a sense of guilt over the whole thing. I had thought it was my fault that I did not have contact with my (biological) dad for so many years. I thought to myself, "Wow, that's messed up!!" HA!! But oh, the many ways satan tries..... I kept thinking, how was I not able to see this, how was I holding on to this for so many years!! (I mean really... I'm in my 30's folks!!)
I sat awhile longer, praying and worshiping. I couldn't believe all that I had just been through.... what on earth... surely I should have been in therapy years ago.... but God reminded me of his faithfulness. He spoke to me about how important this inner healing was. He spoke to me about being made new and preparing me to step into a new arena!! I knew instantly that there was no way, had I not allowed God to walk me through this my future would be tainted. My future husband and child or children would all be affected by my hurt and my shame. The unforgiveness I carried would eventually pour into other areas of my life. Praise God I came out on top!!
When I stopped crying I realized how much better I felt. I realized how free I was and literally how much lighter I felt. What a burden I had carried. How much pain I had self inflicted. God showed me that through this would come another healing I have been seeking God for for a number of years. He showed me how it all tied together and spoke to my heart about making me new inside and out!!
So... on with the week I go, feeling renewed, energized, and built up... Thanking God for all He has done and IS doing in my life. I want to encourage you, if you have stuff you've been putting off, if God has been speaking to you, or tugging at your heart...don't hold back... facing the junk sucks sometimes, but the pay off is amazing... I have worried some about the level of transparency in sharing this, but if it leads one person to their own inner healing, then it's all worth it!! His grace is sufficient, His love covers all....
