Confession #1: I struggle with the ability to find rest

Driving home from work one day several months ago, I noticed something a little strange. Something I had never seen before. I resolved that there had to be a lesson to be learned.

As I traveled I passed the first of two farms. Off to the left, I saw the little white puff balls (who were actually more gray than anything) and their cute little black heads.... further down the road, the farm on the right. This farm had a flock of their own with a few llamas in the mix. As I drove on by I thought to myself, "What is it, nap time for everyone on Hwy 86?" Of course about the time that thought finished crossing my mind, I had one of those "light bulb" moments...you know where you can almost feel someone flip the switch up there! I knew it was a message. As I reflected over the past few weeks, even months it occurred to me, I couldn't really think of the last time I rested. Really rested. When was the last time I had taken even ten minutes to myself, let alone.... a NAP....? I had bogged myself down with working 3 jobs, overtime at one, and still not feeling like I was doing ENOUGH!

What the heck is wrong with me?

Since my husband worked a lot as well, I basically was in "keep myself busy" mode. Friends were always wanting to do lunch, my grandma was buggin' on me to come visit more often....yet still I felt like I was not "being productive". I felt like I should be running errands (even if I didn't have any), or offering to put more hours in at work...or DOING SOMETHING..... why that didn't include spending time with friends or family I have not quite figured out, except I think I felt it was doing something that was just for me...and in some weird way that was selfish.....

Again I ask: What the heck is wrong with me....? Who knows, but what I do know, is on that day, as I drove by those two farms, the sight of those sheep all sleeping at one time, in the middle of the day, I knew it could not just be happenstance. I knew there was something to be learned.

Have I mastered the art of not being a "busy body"? No!! I still struggle with the need to feel productive. I still get into ruts every once in awhile. But I am learning the value of observing the sabbath in my life; finding time for me, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I'm learning that it's ok to take care of myself, and that alone will make me more productive and able to give more to others and work in the end.

And so I pray, Lord help me find balance in all that I do and all that I desire to do.