The Wall

I've finally hit the wall... I knew once I made the decision to move and God started opening doors that at some point I would encounter a road block. I figured that there would be a problem somewhere and when nothing was going wrong I thought, "This is too good to be true, things are going too well." Seems silly I know... I should be embracing that things are going smoothly right... But then all at once it happened. In the most unexpected manner. I was suddenly overcome with fear and sadness. Sure there was the occasional worry and anxiety along the way, but that was a low level of emotion compared to what had completely smacked me in the face this time. I was almost starting to panic. I was suddenly sad about leaving friends, I was starting to get worried about how the cat would travel. I started feeling broken inside like different parts of me were being torn off and left in certain places or with certain people. I was feeling like maybe I should just call the whole thing off and stay. What if God's plan for my life, for my future is in Iowa? What if I'm leaving behind my "true destiny"? Is there such a thing as destiny? Why am I questioning everything all of a sudden? Why am I so worried about "missing God" ? How long will this feeling of brokenness and heartache last? Why can I not trust God? Why can I not believe that God will take care of me? Why is it so hard to trust that my true friendships and the meaningful relationships I have here WILL last? I WILL be able to stay in touch with people. I WILL be visiting frequently. So why is this such a big deal all of a sudden? Ugh... and then of course I was thinking... another CRAZY processing Blog entry!! HAHA!!
I prayed and prayed... I asked my best friend to pray for me... I told her I just had this sadness, this ache in the pit of my stomach that would not go away. Over the course of a couple of days I just felt overwhelmed, things were whirling through my head, I had never experienced this level of emotional madness, and I'd like to be able to tell you that I had some sort of amazing epiphany during this experience, but I didn't. What I did experience however, was God's peace. After two or three days of this turmoil I got up and as I do every day, got ready for my jog... I was feeling good but didn't really equate it to anything.... when I finally got out to Bacon Creek to do my jog one of my favorite songs came on and I took in a deep breath. I smiled to myself and I thought... wow.. I feel free... I don't feel burdened... I feel relieved... as I continued on I thanked God and thought to myself, I am so small, I am so finite, how can I think that God, who is limitless, who knows no boundaries, who knows no time or distance, could not help me, watch over me, and carry out His plans for me? How can I think that by me moving I will ruin anything He has for me? Yes, we of course have free will, and He allows us that, but His plans cannot be changed or altered by us, and for that I am grateful!! A small part of me is still sad to be leaving such a great church and friends, but I know that God is going with me on this journey and I'm leaving with joy and anticipation to see what unfolds next!!