Not My Will

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotion. It seems as though over the course of the last year or so God has been dealing heavily with me. Preparing me, molding me, forming me, and teaching me. Speaking to me in ways I never dreamed of, and saying things I never expected to hear.

Since my divorce I have been before God continually... God what do you have for me? What do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go? I'll do anything you want. I just want to be in your will.

Well, out of that has spawned a move to Florida, a move back to Iowa, and a complete stripping of everything, on pretty much every level. When I left for Florida I gave away everything (furniture etc) and said I would start over. When God then asked, Do you Trust me? Followed by: Go back to Iowa. I returned, still having nothing. I have said, repeatedly I trust God. And I do. I'm not worried about the "things" I don't have. I have been blessed enough along this journey to know better than to get worried about material things such as a bed and dishes!! Then, just to make sure I was true to my word, God asked me again if I trusted Him.... this time He asked me to lay down my family, my ideas about marriage, and the desires I had in my heart for certain things. Not long after, that was followed by another question. I thought at first, God, what are you doing to me? Why do you keep "changing your mind"? And this time He asked me if I would still trust and be obedient if I was told that I would never again leave the country and my sole calling was to be a wife and mother... God, I thought, please make up your mind! Which is it? Missionary or Mom? Are you going to send me away or aren't you? But the more He kept speaking to my heart the more I realized it had nothing to do with the direction of my life, but the obedience of my heart. It was about being prepared in season and out of season, for whatever God's will is. It had nothing to do with actual "vocation".

The worry then set in when I spoke with my brother who encouraged me to have goals and began to question my path in Iowa. * Let me just pause here to say, my brother was in no way demeaning, or harsh with me. He loves the Lord, serves our country, and leads his beautiful family by the grace of God. He was just simply curious... so now that you're there, what are you working toward? What goals do you have? Are you working on them? ... Well.. um.... I had no good answers, which then made me think maybe I had missed God. Maybe there was no epiphany coming from on high to give me the next instructions. Maybe it was up to me and I was at a stand still....

The next couple of days brought many tears and questions. I sought the Lord many times... asking and pleading... God I thought you said..... God I thought.... God why.... God please just tell me what to do... why aren't you speaking???? So many questions I flung at Him... He kept reassuring me that it wasn't that He was being silent but that He was putting it all together. Kind of like when you bake and you have to put certain ingredients together, then in another bowl put ingredients together before mixing the whole thing... that's what I felt like. As though God were saying, hold on... let me mix all this over here... I'll add you to it momentarily.

Today it all started becoming very clear and very obvious. Sunday school was about choosing joy and not making life about the difficult moments. The message in church was about God asking Peter if he loved Him. Three times He asked Peter. Three times God has asked me if I trust Him.   Three times He has placed things before me and asked me to lay them aside. He's challenged me with certain direction and instruction. Then... it all started to click and everything I doubted or questioned seemed to have light brought upon it... things made sense, the picture became more clear and I felt a sense of direction and peace. The alter call was for being restored to a ministry call and setting aside any mistakes we've made up to this point. I can't explain the entire day and how it all played out because it would be a short book, and this blog entry is long enough as is. I've missed several details already in telling you the few things I have said... But hear me when I say.... God is good. He has a plan! And I'm so excited to see how things unfold over the next couple of months because it's going to be good. It's going to be good because it's not my will, it's His. It's not my plan, not my agenda. It's all His and it's all for His glory!!