Confession #9: I need to hand over the remote control

Well forgive me for taking forever to write again... I need to get back on a schedule of some sort! It's been interesting the last few weeks.. I'm still in England, enjoying my time, but preparing my heart and mind to head back home soon. I've had lots on my plate; several to-do lists, apartments to check out, bags to pack, etc. I'm feeling really torn. I've had a wonderful time while I've been here. I can't imagine how life will be without having my beautiful nephews to greet me each morning... (or wake me in the night ha ha)... and at the same time I can't wait to get back to my job. I enjoy it so much and miss what I do.

The last few weeks as I've prayed about where my life is going and what I'm supposed to do next, I have felt a lot of peace and guidance. I have felt like God is revealing things to me; opening and closing the doors.

About a week ago I was at church and I was praying at the end of service. I closed my eyes with everyone and listened to what the pastor was saying. Then, while he was praying I had a picture in my mind's eye. It looked like a play button on a VCR. On top or layered over it was a fast forward, and pause button. At first I thought, "What on earth, it's like a jumbled mess of buttons.... and why am I thinking about or seeing these things in my mind?" I had no idea until a day or so ago when I was praying and God made it very evident what he was trying to say. I was sitting in my room and all of the sudden the thought dawned on me... There was no stop button and no rewind... hmmm.... I started to read and continued to pray. The thought came to me, He wants to be in control. He wants me to hand over control, the remote so to speak. He wants to be in charge. And as I thought about how things have gone the last few months for me I realized that there were too many times that I had control of the remote. I kept rewinding and stopping, rewinding and stopping.... only to fill myself with agony and heartache... both of which were unnecessary.

As I continued to pray and read my Bible I was reminded that He forgives us, (as far as the east is from the west Psalm 103), He "forgets" in a sense... so I had to ask myself... Why do I insist on going to that place, revisiting and questioning... He doesn't do that... He doesn't rub it in my face, so why do I "torture" myself? I was also filled with joy, because God wants us to keep going, keep moving ahead.... (Philippians 3) there is something to work toward. We shouldn't stop!!

It's funny how often we can lose sight of the goal... how easy it is to get wrapped up in our own condemnation. But it's comforting to know He has a plan and a purpose (Jeremiah 29) just for me. If I will give Him the "remote control" He can then be in charge of the buttons. He can tell me when to Pause or slow down, He can help me through the hard stuff (which I consider fast forward, cause I would surely stop in rough times if I wasn't gettin' a little push!) It's time for me to give up control and hand over the remote!