On Saturday I returned from an 8 day mission trip. My 6th time out of the U.S. and my 5th mission trip. I was in Las Varas Mexico which is in the state of Chihuahua if I listened and followed accurately. I have never been on a trip that had so much laughter, unity, and love. I have been on many trips, as I said but none with these dynamics..I wanted to share a little bit about my experience and share yet another confession.
Let me start by sharing something that happened before the trip. When I have my prayer time each day I really try to have a time where I am still and not speaking, a time when I can sit and listen to God's voice. One morning while I was having my quiet time God said to me, "I'm going to take something away from you while you're gone." Now, if you know much about my past and the loss I've experienced you'd understand why my immediate reaction was a sense of fear. I'm thinking, someone's going to die, I'm gonna lose my cat.... something along those lines... silly to some of you I'm sure, but I prayed and cried. God kept asking me if I trusted him. I finally came to a point where I told the Lord, I trusted him and would accept whatever He had in store. Mind you, that came with a LOT of tears!!
Now, fast forward to Mexico. The trip was unlike any other I've ever been on... (yeah I think I said that already!!) So as the week progressed I found my self doing things, and helping people in ways I did not know possible. I laid brick, I filled buckets with mud and grout, I swept the floor, I handed out water, I prayed silently as I worked, I talked with people that couldn't speak English... the list goes on. Throughout the week I also spent time talking with my roommate. A beautiful woman that I knew little about until March 10th! We shared our stories and encouraged one another. (Well, she encouraged me, I can only hope she got encouragement in return.) As the week continued on I couldn't figure out why I was becoming the Queen of Tears at random times during the day. I would ask God why I felt so deeply, and prayed that I would continue to be molded.
At the end of the week, I could only describe my experience in whole as having been placed on an operating table by Jesus. I felt as though He had cut me open and taken everything inside of me out, rearranged it all, and put me back together.... over dramatic you might say... but it is truly how I felt. I knew I was different. I knew I had more confidence. I saw myself differently than I had before. I realized I was capable of more than I gave myself credit for. I felt in a sense "accomplished". Not pridefully as in sin, but pridefully as tho I'd conquered something I didn't realize needed to be conquered. I knew then that the thing Jesus was talking about (or part of it) was my expectations, fears, and insecurities. Those were things He was taking away from me while I was gone. Will I still have fear and insecurity in my walk... yes, but these were areas where I had preconceived ideas about who I was in Christ, what I was to be doing with my life, what my "calling" was, and He wanted to adjust my outlook on those things. He wanted to take me away from myself in a sense.
Now, as for my time of confession! I believe that there was a time during service where there was one other thing God wanted to take from me. I saw myself standing before the Lord and he was pulling a large metal box, locked box, kind of like a security deposit box, out of my chest. He kept asking, "Are you ready?" and I kept saying "No, no, no, not here." I kept hearing words like pride and dignity and became afraid that God was going to make me "do something" (no I have no idea what) in front of a church full of people that couldn't speak English. Why I was afraid I have no idea, but I wouldn't allow God to have the box. He told me that He would leave it there if I was not ready, He said, "I won't violate you, this is why you have free will." Cutting words. I felt horrible. I knew God was wanting to do something else in me but I wouldn't allow it. Why?? What was I thinking? Who knows? But the true confession here is that I NEED it, whatever it is He wants to take from me, I need to let it go. I need to be vulnerable before Him and let Him have that box. It seemed to be taking up quite a bit of space in there.
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