Confession #10: I need to turn the key before I open the door

This week while I was at work I experienced something several times. You would think if it was several times and I was having “adverse” outcomes I might learn something… Well finally at the end of the day when I had repeatedly run in to doors I said to myself… “What is my problem?”, “I think I need to slow down or something”. I kept thinking, “duh, you’ve done this ten times, when are you gonna get it?” You see at work I am constantly going in and out of different doors, working on different floors and most of the time to get to where I need to go I have to go through one or more locked doors. All of the doors require the same key but some of locks don’t turn as easy as others, or so I tell myself!! J

As I continued on through my week, I noticed that I was continually trying to push through the door. I had the key in the keyhole but I was trying to push my way through the door before I had the key and door knob actually turned. As I quickly learned, the faster I tried to go through the door, the more I was “kissing” it and not getting to my destination. It ended up slowing my time down as I was bouncing around the building because I then I had to kind of take a step back, turn the key and the door, and then walk through. If I would have just followed the process to begin with, and skipped all the hiccups of face planting into the door, I would have been less frustrated at the end of the day!

As it turns out, God was using this little “dilemma” of mine to teach me a lesson. I realized that just as I was getting frustrated with the doors and locks in the building, I do the same thing with my life. Here’s a little explanation. I have had a heart for missions for several years. After Bible College, I didn’t pursue missions; instead I got married and went a different direction. I never walked away from the Lord per se, but I didn't do all that I knew I should have. Now, several years later, I am single again and pursuing my walk with God. Going after Him with my whole heart and not looking back! Over the course of the last couple years I have felt that pull, that fire in my heart for missions again. I have prayed and asked God to lead me and direct my steps. I tell God every day, I will Go, send me, I will go wherever you want me to go, but because of my zeal and passion, I keep trying to “go through doors” before they’re unlocked! I started finding every possible door that led to missions, the mission field, traveling, etc. and I tried to go through them. The problem was that I wasn’t using the key properly. I wasn’t asking God before trying to go through those doors; I wasn’t waiting for Him to give me an answer. I just kept tryin’ and every time, God allowed me to face plant into the door!! J Nice huh?!?!?

Well, after my trip to Mexico last week, I had a complete makeover of my heart. God re-framedall of my thoughts and preconceived ideas about my calling, about missions, and about what He wants for my life. Do I have all the answers yet? No. Do I know what the next step is? No. Sounds like I’m on the right track, doesn’t it!!?? J What I do know, is that God is in control. He’s got the keys, and when the time is right, He will show me which door, He will give me the right key, and I will be sure to open it with care!!

Confession time from Mexico

Well.... here I am trying to get back in the swing of things with my blog and somehow I manage to let things "slide" until I have a whole heart full of things to share!! Ok...so stick with me!!

On Saturday I returned from an 8 day mission trip. My 6th time out of the U.S. and my 5th mission trip. I was in Las Varas Mexico which is in the state of Chihuahua if I listened and followed accurately. I have never been on a trip that had so much laughter, unity, and love. I have been on many trips, as I said but none with these dynamics..I wanted to share a little bit about my experience and share yet another confession.

Let me start by sharing something that happened before the trip. When I have my prayer time each day I really try to have a time where I am still and not speaking, a time when I can sit and listen to God's voice. One morning while I was having my quiet time God said to me, "I'm going to take something away from you while you're gone." Now, if you know much about my past and the loss I've experienced you'd understand why my immediate reaction was a sense of fear. I'm thinking, someone's going to die, I'm gonna lose my cat.... something along those lines... silly to some of you I'm sure, but I prayed and cried. God kept asking me if I trusted him. I finally came to a point where I told the Lord, I trusted him and would accept whatever He had in store. Mind you, that came with a LOT of tears!!

Now, fast forward to Mexico. The trip was unlike any other I've ever been on... (yeah I think I said that already!!) So as the week progressed I found my self doing things, and helping people in ways I did not know possible. I laid brick, I filled buckets with mud and grout, I swept the floor, I handed out water, I prayed silently as I worked, I talked with people that couldn't speak English... the list goes on. Throughout the week I also spent time talking with my roommate. A beautiful woman that I knew little about until March 10th! We shared our stories and encouraged one another. (Well, she encouraged me, I can only hope she got encouragement in return.) As the week continued on I couldn't figure out why I was becoming the Queen of Tears at random times during the day. I would ask God why I felt so deeply, and prayed that I would continue to be molded.

At the end of the week, I could only describe my experience in whole as having been placed on an operating table by Jesus. I felt as though He had cut me open and taken everything inside of me out, rearranged it all, and put me back together.... over dramatic you might say... but it is truly how I felt. I knew I was different. I knew I had more confidence. I saw myself differently than I had before. I realized I was capable of more than I gave myself credit for. I felt in a sense "accomplished". Not pridefully as in sin, but pridefully as tho I'd conquered something I didn't realize needed to be conquered. I knew then that the thing Jesus was talking about (or part of it) was my expectations, fears, and insecurities. Those were things He was taking away from me while I was gone. Will I still have fear and insecurity in my walk... yes, but these were areas where I had preconceived ideas about who I was in Christ, what I was to be doing with my life, what my "calling" was, and He wanted to adjust my outlook on those things. He wanted to take me away from myself in a sense.

Now, as for my time of confession! I believe that there was a time during service where there was one other thing God wanted to take from me. I saw myself standing before the Lord and he was pulling a large metal box, locked box, kind of like a security deposit box, out of my chest. He kept asking, "Are you ready?" and I kept saying "No, no, no, not here." I kept hearing words like pride and dignity and became afraid that God was going to make me "do something" (no I have no idea what) in front of a church full of people that couldn't speak English. Why I was afraid I have no idea, but I wouldn't allow God to have the box. He told me that He would leave it there if I was not ready, He said, "I won't violate you, this is why you have free will." Cutting words. I felt horrible. I knew God was wanting to do something else in me but I wouldn't allow it. Why?? What was I thinking? Who knows? But the true confession here is that I NEED it, whatever it is He wants to take from me, I need to let it go. I need to be vulnerable before Him and let Him have that box. It seemed to be taking up quite a bit of space in there.